Papaya Mom

to be bipolar.

Sometimes I wonder if “normal” people know. I’m not depressed, or just down….sometimes I’m up and sometimes I’m down but not in a way I’ve seen in others without my particular chemical imbalance. When I’m “up” I’m not happy in the smiling kind of a way - rather I can’t stop thinking enough to sleep, I stay awake until dawn organizing anything from Papaya’s entire education to what I’ll eat over the next 2, 12, 24, 36 hours. I can’t stop moving, and I can’t stop thinking even when I’m tired and my body aches for rest. Down is easier to understand for most - but for me it’s paralyzing in strange ways. I can’t complete tasks such as making an appointment while able to function at others, no rhyme or reason as to what gets dropped. I have a hard time taking care of myself and begin to sleep at odd hours, more problematic is the increase in fast food. I start to eat - entire meals from McDonalds with diet coke (like the diet is going to DO something) but not until the dark lonely hours of the night. I watch TV until long after the commercials come on at 3 a.m. I pick arguments with my husband, that in the moment I feel are valid, but minutes later understand make no sense.

So yeah, it sucks. I gain weight, loose muscle tone and endanger the happiness of my marriage. I yell, and it scares my child. That breaks my heart more than anything. Because before I was a parent - I was going to be the best parent that ever lived, and when I’m in my bipolar life I barely scrape by. She is worth everything to me, worth more than me and anything else in the world.

So…yeah, I’m crawling out of this one with more motivation than ever. Turns out my medication via the Dr. in WA State were actually not made for bipolar but rather OCD (which I may have, but I damn well like) and was making me worse. So now I’m starting a new medication - a “mood stabilizer” that will take a few months to be fully effective. I’m hoping it will be better sooner than later.

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