to be bipolar.
Sometimes I wonder if “normal” people know. I’m not depressed, or just down….sometimes I’m up and sometimes I’m down but not in a way I’ve seen in others without my particular chemical imbalance. When I’m “up” I’m not happy in the smiling kind of a way - rather I can’t stop thinking enough to sleep, I stay awake until dawn organizing anything from Papaya’s entire education to what I’ll eat over the next 2, 12, 24, 36 hours. I can’t stop moving, and I can’t stop thinking even when I’m tired and my body aches for rest. Down is easier to understand for most - but for me it’s paralyzing in strange ways. I can’t complete tasks such as making an appointment while able to function at others, no rhyme or reason as to what gets dropped. I have a hard time taking care of myself and begin to sleep at odd hours, more problematic is the increase in fast food. I start to eat - entire meals from McDonalds with diet coke (like the diet is going to DO something) but not until the dark lonely hours of the night. I watch TV until long after the commercials come on at 3 a.m. I pick arguments with my husband, that in the moment I feel are valid, but minutes later understand make no sense.
So yeah, it sucks. I gain weight, loose muscle tone and endanger the happiness of my marriage. I yell, and it scares my child. That breaks my heart more than anything. Because before I was a parent - I was going to be the best parent that ever lived, and when I’m in my bipolar life I barely scrape by. She is worth everything to me, worth more than me and anything else in the world.
So…yeah, I’m crawling out of this one with more motivation than ever. Turns out my medication via the Dr. in WA State were actually not made for bipolar but rather OCD (which I may have, but I damn well like) and was making me worse. So now I’m starting a new medication - a “mood stabilizer” that will take a few months to be fully effective. I’m hoping it will be better sooner than later.
If you liked that post, then try these...
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I really think someone should have sent me this eCard in the last week, because I've been so much nicer to be around.
Broken and Hot by Papaya Mom on August 20th, 2008
So the sprained shoulder? Turns out it is a broken collarbone.
Nightime Woes by Papaya Mom on August 18th, 2008
After her first friend sleepover (luckily with other children's parent in the home as well) Papaya ended up quite uncomfortable.
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Thank you for sharing that insight, K. I am so proud of you for being so proactive in finding ways to not just survive but to flourish in the midst of these circumstances. As always, I applaud your honesty and transparent truth.
Love you, mama!
Thank goodness you’ve got such a good head on your shoulders, and an open heart to dealing with this imbalance. The fact that you know what you’re up against, and are willing to face and deal with it makes all the difference.
Just make sure you always have people who love you close by, so if things get rough - you don’t have to handle anything by yourself.
Hugs Papaya Mom. I admire your strength and I know you will beat this.
(((HUGS)))
Wow Papaya Mom. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to some of what you are going through, the insomnia, fast food, picking fights, yelling, weird sleep. I can’t imagine how hard it all is. Big hugs, I sincerely hope the medication you are now taking will work wonders.
You are the best parent! Seriously, don’t doubt yourself. Maya is lucky to have you. I hope you feel better soon. Hopefully the meds will work. Love you!